nauseating

i stretch my self outward

willing, pleading

my sound is of whisper, of nauseating caramel

my touch is of inhumanity, of insincerity, of inability

my gaze is lost to distance

my taste, it longs for citrus 

i hear my self, it could not sound like me

 

i am not heard, my self remains

my self is silent, and yet is heard

where do we go? are we, we?  

no matter, we are cold 

 

are we simple? am i? are they?

complexity is subjective, the impact is there

the impact impairs our sense of reflection

well, i still cannot find my gaze

let alone my sight

 

a trinity, a toxicity, a healing venom

we could be whole, we should be we

absence for wholeness is an exchange of care

take me, my holy one

 

i am denatured

my hand is cold

mine, too

sugar and flour go well with eggs

serve and enjoy 

 

~ judah-mekhi 

flawless

hi, you! it is so, so good to see you!

it's been quite a while since i've posted last, hasn't it? to those who had been reading, i'm very sorry for having left you in the dark :( i promise that i'm okay! i hope that you're okay too, but it's okay if you aren't at the moment

today, i'd like to catch up for a little while, for i've had a very interesting and very reflective summer that i would like to share with all of you; unfortunately, it wasn't much of a happy summer, but i had time to think!

before i continue, i do want to issue a warning; i get a bit deep into my more negative thoughts in this diary entry. if you are not in a safe space mentally, please take a break for yourself, and come back whenever you feel up to it :)

i left this past school year completely and utterly drained, like a tube of toothpaste that had been squeezed and squeezed despite how clearly empty it was...i honestly wasn't doing very much last year in terms of workload or creative output, but i was just so unhappy doing so much of what i had done. all of my music, all of my acting, all of my piano, all of my singing, it just felt terrible doing it all until the very end; the friends that i had made were truly the only redeeming factor for me, and i love them so much more than they could ever know

i was an entirely different person when i came back home, i initially felt fine until i came upstairs and sat on my bed; i rarely ever left that bed for any purpose unless i had to go to work, it was like i was glued to it. i was having nothing but aching, horrifying thoughts once i fully got settled in, it was unbearable to live with my own disappointment and my own lack of willpower to keep going, i saw no future for myself as i stood on this planet, and it hurt even more when i was forced to keep going. so, i laid on my bed, with my nose in my phone, trying to numb my brain in order to not feel anything at all

i started becoming so rude and so unloving towards my mother, bless her heart; she did everything she could to help me get through this sadness and my apathy, but it was never enough, and i didn't feel like i could fully trust her with my thoughts. in a way, i still feel this way, and i don't know how to get rid of it; all that i know is that it's tearing her apart, and she allows it to happen. my sadness was terrible for her sadness

i needed something to do, anything resembling a routine to get me up. i worked at a place that i hated because i didn't have the mental strength to apply for somewhere unfamiliar; i had worked here before during my freshman year, and they accepted me back very quickly. i hated this place more than anything. it tested my anxiety, it hurt my social ability, it killed my work ethic and it made me feel like i didn't belong anywhere near there. nobody meant to make me feel so bad, nobody ever does, but certain words and certain tones stick with me, and they never let go

nothing i was doing felt like enough, i never felt like i was cleaning the lobby enough, doing enough portioning food-wise, doing enough maintenance with stocking, communicating with my coworkers enough, etc; nobody had the gall to tell me i might've been slacking or doing a poor job, and so that left me with my own worries and my own judgements towards myself, and that wasn't good for me

my mother saw what my job was doing to me over the whole summer, she swallowed her intuition and still let me go there, because she knew that i had nothing else at that moment. it got to a point, however, and she ripped me out of my shift early at one point; her voice was so shrill and so loud, and i don't believe she understood just how damaging it was to my already dwindling trust in her, despite her reasoning for barging into my place of work. she wanted to keep me safe.

i hurt her so badly. i had never seen her cry so often for my sake, and i can't ever reverse that. i want to make her happy, but i never trust my own intuition.

i had hurt my friends as well; i had gotten involved in a terrible bout of drama between a few people that i cared dearly about, and while i'm not comfortable getting into details, they no longer want very much to do with me anymore, at least not as a friend. i thought that i could handle it, but i couldn't at all, and whenever i thought of any of those people, it would send me into a deeper sadness than i might've already been in

i had become desperate, not for their forgiveness, but for reassurance; there was a point where i was messaging them all, specifically one quite often, asking if they were okay and if they were safe over and over and over...it understandably stressed them out badly, and i felt like i was desperate to make them feel comfortable around me again, as the opposite is my absolute greatest fear, socially

i cried about once a week, i think. i never, ever cry, so that worried me quite a bit. i didn't wash very often, and my room was difficult to walk through. i either ate far too much, or nothing at all. i didn't practice singing or piano, and my skills dwindled as my yearning to create dwindled. i felt like there was no point in doing anything at all, that it wouldn't be worth it regardless of what enjoyment it may bring me. 

i saw a few friends here and there, and that kept me somewhat sane temporarily, but they were all so busy and didn't have time to spare, which i completely understood; though, it hurt me every time that it was said. i think that i deserve it though, as i'm not very good with communication for when i'm available, or communication in general really. i don't think they realized that it didn't need to be a full hangout session of some sort, just seeing a friend and giving them a hug was enough for me

due to my state of mind, as well as other factors, i never wanted to come back to my college, not ever; my only incentive was to see my friends again, but i didn't know what i was doing this degree for anymore, i felt that i was continuously wasting mine and my mother's money and time, just to be taught things that distracted me from the things i truly wanted to know, things that i was truly passionate about

my mother wanted me to just stay home with her, to go back to my previous college, to get a local job, to do local theater again, to do anything possible where she could see me, keep me safe, and keep me happy. i will never be able to repay the amount of love that she shows me, i will never deserve a mother like her. but, my previous college didn't have what i was looking for anymore, at least not without starting all over from freshman year. the job market, arts-wise, was stagnant in comparison to my current city. i couldn't stay with her, i felt that i needed to go back, to have a routine, to feel useful or at the very least alive. i don't currently feel alive, but at least i am typing for you.

this entry is titled 'flawless' because despite all of this, despite how i treated my mom, despite how much i vented to my friends, despite how much ive destroyed myself mentally, physically, emotionally, and many other -ally's, people still see me as something greater. my mom still loves me, people still believe that i am a great pianist and a great vocalist, people still feel that i am nice, that i'm respectful, that i'm eloquent, that i still have potential to be something good.

i don't like this feeling. i do not like it, not at all. 

i don't like that i can hurt people and myself, that i can under-deliver and over-promise, and still be respected and loved. i don't like that i can sit on my butt all day and do nothing, and be validated for it, be told that i'm "giving myself a mental break". if that is what you, my reader, need at any point in time, please take that break that you deserve, but i don't feel like i deserve it. i don't feel like i was giving myself a break, i felt like i was becoming one with my bed and ruining my eyesight

nobody hates me, nobody thinks badly of me. nobody acknowledges my flaws that i see so clearly. or, at the very least, not enough people see them. i've become someone that younger judah would hate, and that makes me sad. i am not a good person. i could be so, so much better, but i worry that i won't be, at least not for a long time.

this is part of why i don't feel understood by those who may know me; they don't want to see me as anything worse than "sweet mekhi"

i want to be "sweet mekhi", i want to be good for you, i want to be happy for you, i want to stop running out of steam and i want to support my joy to the fullest extent, i want to see what you see in myself

couldn't you imagine what i would look like if i was capable of becoming such a thing, to become as sweet as i yearn to be, to truly believe it? could you imagine what my face would look like? how i would dress? what my art would look like? what my room would look like? how often i may text you (yes, you!), how often i would make you things? how deep my smile lines would be?

my throat is dry and my fingers hurt, my face is bumpy and i'm losing my hair, i am nothing but a husk of what mekhi should be, or, what they should be according to mekhi

i am damp sand, mistaken for brown sugar 

i treasure technology, utilities, television, literature, knick-knacks, music, etc from the 2000s, because the last time that i remember being happy with who i am/who i could be, was when i was surrounded by vhs tapes and leapfrog toys in a children's library

i think that is all that i have to say for now, i need to get back to studying! i am the biggest procrastinator ever made, hehe, it's been bad already

of course, i want to know what you think, how do you view yourself? do you think it's accurate to how others see you? or, more importantly, would you like it to be?

the next time you see me post, the blog should be revamped in some way! i want to make it easier to read when i have the time, and i would like to start announcing my posts on other social media! but i will save that for another time :)

i'll talk to you later, okay? thank you for reading :)

~ judah-mekhi 

 

it's okay

hi, you! im so glad that you're here!

today, id like to talk about a specific topic related to friendship that ive really struggled with; forgiveness and tolerance

it is quite difficult for me to willingly cut ties with someone, no matter what they may have done to me; the only thing that tends to motivate me is actions they do to others who are close to me, but even then, my natural instinct is to just talk to them about it, not to defend what they did, but just to get their perspective

i believe that although im quite willing to point out someone's faults, i am not good at it by any means; i tend to be a bit wishy washy, and i may not point out things in a way that makes sense, or criticize in an effective way

if i had my way, which i probably shouldn't, i would still be friends or at least acquaintances with most, if not all, of the people that i had to distance myself from

i don't want to dislike anyone, and i especially dont want to hate anyone; it hurts the most when i don't feel like I have a choice, i want to understand exactly why people do things

i wouldn't say that i forgive easily, but i do promote self improvement, and i value genuine acknowledgement of doing something bad; i just don't like removing myself as a person of support for that, i want to keep loving

i do eventually get over these feelings, and i do what i can to convince myself that it's for the best, but i still feel shame for distancing myself from people i haven't talked to in years, with some being close to a decade

i don't like having people on my "bad side", or being on someone's bad side, i want to do whatever i can to "fix" things; sometimes i act desperately in order to achieve this, and it hurts things more than i initially expected

i don't really believe i have a "bad side", just a "side" that isn't as preferred as my "good side", for whatever reason that may be

you would have to do something truly selfish and incredibly defensive in order for me to want to distance myself, i am strangely really easily swayed by someone saying "I know what I did, I have some idea of why I did it, I know that I hurt people and I am sorry for that, it isn't okay" or something like this, admitting your own faults is very difficult to do for some people and i can appreciate when they try

i don't believe any one person deserves to be hated, everyone should be encouraged to change if need be; its the refusal to change that hurts my view upon you, but it doesn't make me belief you're less than dirt

but to be clear, i think its very okay to have those feelings towards someone, i just prefer not to; i don't like getting mad, it doesn't work for me and it makes me want to cry, more about the fact that i got mad in the first place

if someone hurt you or threw away your trust in them, it is incredibly natural to feel some sort of rage, anger or hatred towards them; they absolutely should be controlled in some capacity, but it isn't fair to tell someone to just consistently keep it in a bottle, it isn't natural

i am not good at feeling anger towards people, I tend to act in ways i find to be really harsh in order to kind of 'fit' what is an acceptable amount of pettiness towards a person, such as ghosting them, ignoring them socially, being generally sarcastic or unenthusiastic around them, etc; I hate doing this more than anything, but i worry if I don't, i will lose more people that i care about

i hope to fix this someday, because suddenly being alone, without people you used to trust so dearly, is one of the worst feelings in the world, especially when you need support to grow; the idea that i could've contributed to such a thing makes me sick to my stomach, ive said such horrible things to people who deserved encouragement to change

or maybe it was warranted after all, and im too patient with people? i accept that idea, but i wouldn't ever want to be anything but patient; frustration is a horrible thing to feel over such a long period of time

how do you treat this topic? do you think you may be too harsh with people, or maybe too patient? how do you handle your emotions when it comes to that sort of judgement? i would love to know about your experiences, all of them!!

i think that's all for today, but thank you so much for reading :) i appreciate you so much for bearing with me and getting through my rambles, it makes me happy to talk to you like this!

ill talk to you later, okay? :)

~ judah-mekhi

om nom nom

hi, you!! im so happy to see you!

today, i would like to talk about food! what foods i enjoy, why i enjoy them, and making food! eating has always been a bit of a strange feeling for me, where I typically eat out of necessity more than anything else; but like all other art forms, i have a genuine appreciation for cooking and baking, and i really admire those who make food for themselves and for others!

this post may be a bit more strongly opinionated than most, and i wanted to apologize in advance; my views on dishes are strangely absolute, and I would like to try and communicate it best i can!

im a bit picky, but still relatively open to certain foods...i am very willing to try anything that's given to me, but if you take me to a restaurant, i will almost always order some form of sandwich; there is just something strangely pleasing about handheld food, i can't quite explain it...it's why i enjoy fruits and vegetables as well, i can just pick one up and bite into it!

i do have my favorite "things" about certain foods, i love cinnamon or strawberry flavors in most bakery foods! i once tried a strawberry tiramisu, and it was just lovely! really, i enjoy most flavors in bakery foods... except chocolate... i am okay with chocolate, but it will never be my first pick, it just isn't very pleasant to me; i tend to prefer fruitier desserts! 

i love strawberry cheesecake, cinnamon rolls, key lime pie, blueberry cobbler, lovely dishes like those! if someone offered me a slice of chocolate cake, i wouldn't turn it down, because i wouldn't want to be rude; but i wouldn't prefer it

another favorite "thing" is anything with a modest amount of cheese... i believe that there is such thing as too much cheese, and there is such thing as much too little! i don't prefer cheese sauces in pasta because of this (including mac and cheese), and i think that most hot sandwiches need to have some kind of cheese! there was once a time, when i was quite younger, where i had a strange addiction to cheese fries, and although i feel that i'm over that, it may have evolved into a great respect for mozzarella sticks

i know many people who love cheese much more dearly than i ever could, including some who may eat a block of parmasean if prompted; although i wouldn't do the same, i support your cheese adoration!

i just don't like cottage cheese...that is the only cheese that i don't think i could eat

i love foreign foods and ethnic foods as well! i have been exposed to a lot of different cultures through my life, and i hope to encounter even more! ive enjoyed korean tteok-bokki, proper pork katsu ramen, indian tikka paneer curry, shawarma vegetable rice bowls, candied baklava...really, all of these foods were tried for the first time, due to living in cleveland! i love exploring other worlds of cuisine, it gives me ideas for my own dishes and allows me to appreciate certain cultures more :)

ive found that consistently, my favorite foods tend to be mediterranean cuisine! i love dishes with wheats and grains, like bread or rice; they're so versatile, you can do anything with them! i love dishes with heavy influences of fruits and vegetables, and ive recently been researching recipes from greece, italy, and lebanon to scratch that itch! 

this is partially why i tend to prefer teas more than coffee, i love the rich tastes of the herbs and flowers of real tea...it makes me so happy, and makes me feel so fancy! i have been dying to make an earl grey pie; it was a recipe recommended to me a long while ago, i just need an excuse to make it! tea is such a loving, comforting drink for me :)

i sometimes view the people i meet with the "tea system"; if i could picture myself having a tea and biscuit with you, then i trust you and would really like to get to know you better! if i couldn't, then i may just not feel the most comfortable around you yet, and that's okay!

i really enjoy foods with layers of flavor or texture; i will always appreciate a grilled cheese, but i would usually prefer to add things to the grilled cheese to make it less grilled cheese...if that makes sense! a nuttier flavor like sautéed mushrooms, a fresher element like tomatoes, maybe a parmesan crust to accent the mushrooms, green peppers for texture, some grilled potatoes to balance the cheese, and of course, a cheese blend of some sort; maybe some gouda, with cheddar and a bit of romano! it's a very silly amount of additions, but i like that depth of flavor!

of course, i love simplicity too! if left alone, i could eat a really absurd amount of grape leaves; which are really just spoonfuls of rice and herbs wrapped in leaves soaked in olive oil, and they're very tasty! my favorite breakfast is also strawberry oatmeal :) it certainly isn't the best breakfast; it just makes me so sleepy and cozy, where i just want to go back to bed...

as you may have gathered, i really enjoy cooking and baking! due to my current mental state, I may have lost a bit of my touch, but i still love to make food when i can! i don't prefer making cakes, but i love making cheesecakes, cookies and tarts! i also like stir-frying, it's typically quite simple, and i often make little sandwiches with stir-fried vegetables if I have anything good! it's a very satisfying thing to make your own sauces, ive only made tomato sauces and cheese sauces, but i want to make an aioli someday!

it does a lot for me mentally to make food for people; i like making cookies for parties, and i like handing out slices of pie to friends when they visit! i once made pop tarts for my co-workers during my last week of work, and they wanted another batch; it made me so happy :) it was a big task, i made 4 different jams and glazes from scratch! never make watermelon jam...it may change you forever...

my brain is very drained as I write this, so i think that's all i have to say for now; but i may make a second part in the future!

please let me know what foods you enjoy, and what you enjoy making if you like to cook or bake! also, would you like to see more silly posts like these? i would love to know your thoughts!

i am going to get some sleep, but ill talk to you later, okay? :)

~ judah-mekhi

no matter the weather

hi, you! i'm so glad you're here!

i'm very sorry about the delay on this post, i have been really feeling down as this summer has started; no routines and minimal incentives will unfortunately do that, hehe

but, im here now! and im happy to see you!

today, i would like to talk about friends, specifically close friends and "best" friends, and how i view them!

i feel that, with my closer friends, im both very trusting and not trusting at the same time; i am very comfortable with a lot of things that may not be considered strictly platonic, and i feel that way towards almost all of the people i care the most about

though at the same time, there is a constant sense of worry that makes me believe any kind of interaction from them, physical or verbal, is out of obligation than anything else, that they may not truly want to be spending time with me or talking to me; i tend to feel that way the most with specific friends, but i still feel it to some degree with a lot of the people i meet

i don't believe that i have a best friend(s), i don't like using that term because i don't like the idea of giving specific people such a heavy priority, i love everyone so dearly

i do have closer friends than others, of course! i put so much importance in being a source of comfortability for people, at least as a person, i want to make people feel at ease, and i especially want to get to know them more as people

this is where the "not strictly platonic" idea comes from, if a friend of mine, even if they weren't the absolute closest, asked me to hold their hand, to give them a hug, to kiss them, or anything that some could consider taboo for a friendship, i almost always would be okay with that, because i love them, after all!

if someone that i care about needs me in any way, i want to be there for them in the best way that i can; i tend to falter at times though, i get overstimulated so easily and tend to shut down socially, which tends to hurts my relationships over time; it may even affect you, and i am genuinely so sorry about that, i promise i still think about you every day

through the most of my life, i misunderstood what was socially acceptable when it came to appreciating others, and i tended to love people much, much more than they could ever love me, and over time, it started to show, and it clicked in my head

it made me afraid of affection in quite a few ways, afraid to assume that someone truly loves me as a person, afraid to ask for a hug when i needed one, afraid to ask friends to spend time with me, because they were always so busy; spending time with anyone but me, of course

i used to be bitter about that specific detail, but not so much anymore, i understand that they are not meant to revolve around my life, and i am still friends with some of those people today! though in retrospect, although i wish they took a little more time for me, i was so very bad at communicating anything that i wanted, anything that i wanted to say was covered in fluff and awkwardness, so i think it makes sense in a way

i am still not over my fear, i still have trouble telling people truly how much i appreciate them, especially if they're closer to me, which makes me disappointed in myself

i hold so much love for my friends, because i never ever want anyone that i meet to feel isolated, unappreciated, uncared for; anything of that sort, because nobody ive ever met has deserved to feel that way

there are some friends of mine, however, who i feel im not the best person to be a companion to; where I still believe they deserve love like anyone else would, but that i am not the best person to give that to them

i think that its okay to feel that way, as long as they know you're still supporting them, but even still, it makes me sad that I don't feel as comfortable around them as i would like to be; it even applies to one of my "best" friends

the reason being, is that they made it very clear that i cared for them so much more than they cared for me, and although im aware of that for everyone i meet, they went out of their way to point it out, and that made me a little sad

but, it isn't anyone's fault, i still care for them, just not as much as i did before

giving love and actually receiving some of it back is not always required, at least not with me; i want others to feel comfortable with however they choose to show appreciation, but i do still get a little frustrated at times, and i am still working on that

i think that i may have thrown the words "love" and "appreciation" around a bit in this post, and i want you (yes, you!) to know that i don't see those words in a light sense, without any meaning; i have specific reasons for appreciating every person ive met, whether they be itty bitty things they may have done in passing, or grander gestures that they do to stand out; and just because i say that i love everyone, doesn't make it any less important to me to adore someone for who they are

you are loved, and i appreciate you, i promise with all of my heart that this is true; if you don't believe me, i understand, but would love to hear what you have to say

i think that's all i have, for today! what about you, how do you view your relationships with people? its okay to feel a bit shy when showing appreciation, im like that too, despite what i really feel! tell me everything about how you'd like to show it!

until then, ill talk to you later, okay? :)

~ judah-mekhi

belize

hi, you! im so glad that you're here!

as i am writing this, finals week has come and gone, and i am currently back home for the summer! i have so many plans, i hope that i will be able to catch up with them!

i will still keep posting here of course, and i will be back in school during the fall! to my friends out there who have done their capstones, senior projects, final recitals, and the like; i am so proud of you. you have worked harder than anyone else could really imagine to get where you are now, you've made so many connections, done so many things, and you might've gotten really hurt along the way, but you are still here, talking with me :)

you've done a wonderful job keeping up the pace, you deserve this academic rest, please do everything that you've always wanted to do! you're doing so good! <3

today, given the occasion, i wanted to take a moment to reflect on my sophomore year, to chat about what ive accomplished and encountered this school year! i don't want this to just be about me though, please tell me about your school year and how it's treated you :) i would love to hear!

note that this may be a bit less organized than my previous posts, i have a lot to say...

i will admit, this school year, and especially this current semester has been incredibly rocky, i don't think ive been so challenged mentally, physically, emotionally, socially...etc, in my whole life, and i wouldn't wish this struggle on anyone

from the beginning, i came to my school as a transfer student, because my previous school had suddenly decided to sunset my major, as well as let go of more than half of my professors; i could have continued and graduated with my major, but i felt like i needed to leave in case my school got worse, and in case things started happening that i couldn't control, so i left for the big city

the atmosphere was so unfamiliar to me, there was a stark contrast between my previous school and my current school; the faculty (and some students) i knew in that environment were certainly realistic, but so optimistic; there was hope and passion in their eyes and i could see that they truly loved every aspect of their trade, despite any hurt that came their way

when i came to my current school, in my worrisome little mind, it felt like everyone around me was struggling to keep up with their trade, i no longer felt a sense of pride or excitement from myself or from others, or at least none that surpassed a longing, anxious feeling that i felt many of my peers had

that is very presumptuous of me, i know that it is; it was really a first impression that i could not let go of, an impression that became more noticeable as the year went on, and more stressful responsibilities were put onto everyone

thinking about it now, over time, i was finding little motivation to continue the aspects of my trade that i was most excited about, more than i would like to admit; i won't ever know if it was solely because of my environment, but i won't ever say that wasn't a factor

i had signed up for a few vocal-based classes and ensembles, and i unfortunately hurt my voice quite badly during the middle of my first semester, which wasn't helped by my already poor technique as i hadn't been taking voice lessons yet, but i was involved in a concert reading where i was singing parts not made for my voice type, at least not at the level that i was at during that period

i eventually recovered, but given the time in between that recovery process, it did hurt my motivation a bit to continue singing, and i currently don't enjoy it as much as i did before

at the beginning of the semester or so, i was instructed to work on writing a wind ensemble piece, which was very exciting in concept, but really hurtful in practice; my instructor consistently and repeatedly reminded me that it was a wild undertaking for a first semester sophomore, which really demotivated me to work on it consistently, and caused the final product to look and sound very displeasing (with no fault to the players, they did a wonderful job with what they had)

i had no faith or trust in my music production projects or a push towards a creative voice, i was feeling a constant state of worry that i was doing things wrong, or i wasn't hearing what i was supposed to be hearing; i already had a poor sense of self for my composition classes, but for music prod especially, it just felt like i was sat in a room with a packet of instructions to follow

i felt that the progression of my theory classes were very slow, and didn't touch on the more interesting subjects until the absolute end, we were learning about so many cool practices and so many "outlandish" aspects of new music around 3 weeks before it was all over, and i was already so out of it at that point

i felt that my piano lessons were very black-and-white and didn't allow me to breathe into what was interesting or comfortable for me when it came to both performing and practicing, and being in the choral ensemble was not letting me explore my potential as a vocalist; i wasn't really able to grow with what i wanted to grow with, when it came to my ability to either sing or play; i don't really enjoy doing either of those as of right now

i had various panic attacks all throughout the spring semester, with one sending me to the hospital for a day, i near-cried after every performance of mine that involved me solo singing or accompanying piano, i was slowly but surely becoming a lazy, tired mess of a person who wanted nothing to do with what they've spent so long practicing

despite all of this, however, i do feel like surpassing this semester in my current state of mind was an accomplishment

perhaps not for others, but at least for me

i was thrown into a jazz band ensemble without knowing anything about how to accompany anyone on piano, let alone a large ensemble; it was so very stressful and so very difficult to keep up with everyone, but i did it, my peers are proud of me, and i am very proud of them as well! i even got to sing, which despite me not quite preferring the selection, i was very happy to start singing in a way that wasn't as restricting as the choral music was 

the wind ensemble piece was completed! there was many mistakes, and i am not the happiest with how it turned out, but it was completed against all odds, and i am happy that it was, and i am happy it got to be read out

i also made a vocal piece and a percussion piece, both of which got very useful feedback and a generally positive reception! i do wish that i kept up with wanting to improve/expand them though, unfortunately once they were completed, i was incredibly burnt out creatively; trying to continue any creative projects felt like squeezing the last drop of toothpaste out of a 2-year-old tube

i also made a short film scoring project; i rescored a 4-minute clip of WALL-E! i pulled two all nighters for it, due to the toothpaste, but i got it done, and i am decently happy with it :)

i was given the opportunity to perform in a musical, namely Into the Woods! it was quite mentally taxing, but it was all fun in the end, and i cannot express just how proud i am of my peers who performed alongside me! i'm not quite sure how much i'm going to do with theatre in the future, but this was certainly a motivating experience!

i understand that this post, despite the few paragraphs above, are quite negative; a lot of "despite"s, and a few "but"s, finding the brighter side to an otherwise harmful experience

i would like to seem more professional, and state what i've done in a more positive light, but i don't want to lie to you, because i like you a lot

and on that note, despite how anxious i was socially, and how isolated i may have appeared to be, i am so happy to have met you.

you have been so patient with me, and you see the best parts of me that i tend to be so blind to, even now

i have met some of the most talented, most considerate, most kind, most persevering people that i have ever known during my time here; despite everything, you have put in the work, and you are showing people who you truly are, and i love what i've had the pleasure to see

what i've said about the contrast in student environments between my schools still rings true, but you're all pushing forward, you're making the absolute most of what you have within your education and you're owning it, while still holding a part time job, for some of you! that is incredible to me! 

my largest regret from this semester has nothing to do with my performance as a pianist/vocalist, my ability as a "composer", or anything to do with my artistic ability, but rather my social ability; i only wish that i could have shown you just how much you mean to me as a peer, as a friend

it's very possible that i may not have been around to complete my sophomore year if i didn't feel the support of those who i care about, i am happy to be here, and i am happy to see you succeed!

this summer, i hope to make up for lost time after ive mentally recovered, and try to get back to creative expression in an environment that i am truly comfortable in!

my ability to think is much weaker, and i truly want to bring it back to what it once was; i am going to write, paint, sing, cook, bake, to make anything i want to, without caring about what i am doing it for

i want to be refreshed! i feel like i have been drinking milk every day, when i truly need water! 

anyway, i believe that was all that i wanted to say for now, thank you for reading :) this was quite a tangent, but i am happy to get it off of my chest

i would love to hear about how your year went academically, or even in general! how did your finals go, what have you accomplished this school year? i want to hear everything!

i'll talk to you later, okay? :)

~judah-mekhi 

p.s. i will be changing the layout sooner or later, to make it a bit easier to see, and to make the webpage itself not as long...and i will be responding to comments more often, i am so sorry for not doing so before!

beating, pounding like a drum

hi, you! i'm so happy you're here! :)

today, ive decided to get a bit more vulnerable than i typically would; i wanted to talk about how i view love, whether romantically, platonically, or anywhere in between!

i love every person that i get to know personally, including you! i have a level of appreciation for everyone, even those who aren't quite as pleasant as others; it was more notable and easier to feel when i was younger, but over time that feeling of love has dwindled

there are only a few things that i am truly afraid of, but one of the biggest is showing my appreciation for people without any restriction, i could be so much kinder, so much more loving, so much more visibly considerate than i appear to be right now, and it physically hurts to have to restrain myself so often

i want to give people hugs and kisses, ask them about their aspirations and their values, i wish to make people gifts and bake people cookies and breads, i want to share with people the things i hold closest to me, and above all, i wish for people to feel comfortable and safe around me, because i worry that am not inviting

ive pulled these feelings back so often, because in my experience, feeling these feelings and showing them to others is not exactly the most "normal" thing, and unfortunately, i heavily value trying to act "normal" as made evident by my previous posts 

im sure that the people who know me may accept it in some way, but my anxiety from past experiences takes hold of that idea, and it ends up hurting me so badly

i can't remember the last time that i was hugged in a way that clicked with my brain, short hugs only make me sad, they're so fleeting yet they're the most acceptable

there have been days where i consider finding a partner; as despite how much i do adore everyone, i do have crushes, and because of how much i adore everyone, i get crushes far, far too easily...in regards to my current school alone, i feel like i have maybe five? six? possibly more? and some of them are taken, which makes me feel terrible for being interested

i have had a partner in the past, but i was too young, and i hurt them in ways that disgust me beyond anything else ive ever done; that experience caused me to step back from dating for a while, and also caused me to feel a lingering sense of worry that i may end up hurting someone again (you can ask me about it if you like, it's just a bit private to be posting here!)

i also don't feel that i have many attractive traits physically or mentally, at the very least i am not happy with who i am as a person, and i worry that will bring a sense of unhealthiness to a potential relationship; i especially don't want to hope for a "we will eventually fix each other" mindset, because that could end in disaster

ive thought about it time and time again, because despite how much i value platonic love, reaching what i would need from that level of comfortability is not currently possible with my anxiety and worry, it takes so much effort to ask someone if they want a hug, and it always comes off as desperate

i don't want to love bomb, because i don't believe anyone really likes or wants that, but i do want to stop holding myself back from telling people i appreciate them, the humans they are, and the things they like to do

somewhat related, but this is a larger reason as to why im not great with giving compliments; i want you all to know that i think you're doing a wonderful job keeping up with your personal obstacles, you are kind, and you are loved, but i tend to not mention things like this for a few reasons 

i want to tell people how pretty or handsome they look because i truly think so many people are beautiful, and so many people have a really cool sense of style, but it feels so awkward to say, and i worry about sounding gross, even if it's just a casual sentence

i want to tell my peers they did a wonderful job performing, but i worry about contributing to that overwhelming feeling after that performance is over, where everyone is approaching you and patting your back to tell you about what you did; i also just generally don't want to bother them about it, because i know a lot of performers are critical of themselves after a performance (including me!) and that reassurance isn't what they need in that moment

on that note specifically, i want to compliment peoples' art, every single day i see artistic expression on instagram, or i witness people in my composition studio creating beautiful things, but i just don't want to get in their way, and i don't want to tell them things they may not believe, if that makes sense

i don't believe most compliments gifted to me, under any context, so my brain wants to assume that others feel the same way; this also applies to expressing romantic/platonic love in some ways, it is all based on anxious assumption, and i know that isn't healthy :(

i want to love, i want to put meaning to that word, and be able to say it without hesitation; i want to reciprocate the love that may be given to me, but i only end up worrying

i think that's all i have to say for today; but what about you? does loving others come easily to you, or just as difficult? what makes you want to appreciate someone? im curious to know any lovey dovey thoughts you may have!

ill talk to you later, okay? :)

~judah-mekhi

(if you're at all interested, you can ask me about my type if you'd like, even that is too embarrassing to be posted publicly hehe)